Never Lose Your “Ness”

I heard recently in one of my AA groups…

That when we actively “use,” our essence ultimately leaves our body and spirit. The essence that makes us who we are and why people love us for what we are. This intense theory hit home with me big time.

If you're confused about what I mean by losing your "ness," I'll gladly refer to Owen Wilson in the movie You, Me, and Dupree. In the film, Wilson becomes a motivational speaker who latches onto a phrase, "You can't let life rob you of your "ness." Now, what's "ness?" It's your name plus "ness."

I lost my Meg-ness for about three long years. I missed me. My husband missed me, my friends and family missed me, and my Meg-ness. My husband was utterly defeated for so long, saying that all he wanted was his wife back. Hearing this was excruciating because I wasn't sure if I could ever get her back.

As an extremist, I find this strong character trait rewarding and exhausting. When I thrive, I thrive hard. When I am into something, I'm into it full force. As you can assume, this intensity fueled my alcoholism.

My mother often reminds me of a profound moment she witnessed when I was about two years old and in my crib. I stood up, ripped the binky out of my mouth, threw it on the floor, and said, "DONE. No more. Big girl." She said she knew from that point on that I would be an extremely determined, no-frills woman someday. Hey, she wasn't wrong. Excellent forecasting, Diane.

I would reflect on this story often and wonder where the fuck that inner fierceness went. I used to be the most disciplined person with workouts and meal prep. Sunday, Funday? Nope, not me. I had to prep meals and work out in the morning. I've always struggled with balance, but with over a year of sobriety under my belt, I can happily say that I think that fire is back inside of me. I just had to put the bottle down and regain my Meg-ness.